I had never been so heartbroken in my life. My chest actually aches, my eyes feel hot and sore, my throat burns from all the crying, but I finally stopped sobbing and now I am just numbingly lying on my bed.
It is 5am and I can’t sleep, I even had to kick my pets out of my room (not literally, of course). I keep replaying saturday’s events, trying to remember the exact moment when it all went downhill but it is all now so blurry and I feel my brain shutting down the details, as it does whenever I feel so sad.
Our relationship was getting better, my boyfriend was warming up even more and he was sweeter than ever, but I guess that one month was not enough to make up for 12 that weren’t that good.
My best friend and my brother are the only ones who know I’m basically gonna break up with him next time I see him. The worst part right now is hearing how, individually, both are telling me in their own worths “finally, you deserve better than him, someone who would see you more than once a week and who would actually make an effort to be with you, someone who wouldn’t take you for granted and who would show actual interest, everything he is not”. I literally know that, I can rationalize when I am not with him that what they are saying is entirely true, and somehow I was expecting him all this time to do all that. I never expected a perfect relationship, I am pretty much too realistic when it comes to this, but it was not much to ask for him to show more interest in us, and in me, after all that I gave for our relationship. After everything we went through, I really was hoping for more and I didn’t notice until now.
I was never one to fall in love, and I sure never dreamed of a future beside someone. I somehow know I am not fit to living with a partner and I am very conscious I am not good with long term relationships. Yet, this was my very first relationship that lasted more than a couple of months, and that I started daydreaming about. I fought for us, I defended him because I thought he was worth it, but looking back into our relationship… I just don’t understand what I was actually fighting for. Yes, he was there for me if I called and told him I needed him, he is not a bad guy and I know he loves me, but it all is not enough if he treats me with so little interest in my well-being, when he doesn’t mind not talking for over a week and who doesn’t give me my place.
I had planned going out with my high school friends, I was having lunch and waiting for the time to go when he showed up by surprise to my house. I was so happy to see him, and even more happy because he almost never surprises me like that! The moment I saw him I totally forgot about everything bad, about not receiving calls or messages and whatnot and decided to just enjoy he was there. I invited him to come to my reunion as my partner, after all I was not the only one who would arrive with their respective boyfriends or girlfriends, and he accepted. I told him to leave his backpack with his pc at my house, after all my brother would drive us to downtown and we would go back to my place after that, as we always do.
We were there for no longer than an hour when suddenly he gets close and tells me he just called his best friend and that she was going to come where we were, they were going to make plans for the night and if I wanted I could tag along. I think that this exact moment was when I started not feeling well. We seldom go out with my friends, it had been over 6 MONTHS since the last time we did it, yet it had been less than a month since I went with him and his friends, and he couldn’t stand even an hour with my friends? Mind you, but at least my friends aren’t disrespectful towards him, like his perv friend is towards me and he doesn’t do a single thing about it. And now he was telling me that he was leaving with his friend? Of course that wouldn’t please me. I tried pleasing us both, and told him to invite her to join my whole group and he agreed, she was not pleased to know the change of plans when she arrived.
After the shishas, we moved to an irish pub a couple of streets away from where we were. There two of my friends sat together in one bench, other friend sat with his girlfriend in front of me, to my right Daniel and his friend sat in the other bench, leaving me alone in my own fucking huge bench. To outsiders it totally looked like 3 couples and a single girl hanging together. That thing alone, even if it might not sound so bad made me so uncomfortable. I am not good and I have never been good at joining conversations, I am usually left aside and with this setup I couldn’t join a single conversation from the three couples that were there with me, so I got to enjoy my time while playing solitaire on my phone. My friends noticed and they were giving my boyfriend this weird looks and then they would turn to me and give me sympathetic smiles… I felt even worse.
I did manage to get everyones attention by suggesting playing truth or dare, which was actually fun and made the rest of the night less hard, until it was almost time to go. Daniel turned to face me and told me “hey, would you mind leaving my backpack near the door so I can pick it up tomorrow? I am going to drive Kari to her house because I don’t want her driving in the state she is”. I couldn’t believe it, it was like someone hit me in the stomach. He was going to make sure she arrived home safe, probably sleep over as they usually do in each other’s house, but he wasn’t even minding at all how I was getting back home? I was supposed to take a taxi back home with him, it was Saturday night and the first day of vacation here in Queretaro, if any day I didn’t want to drive in a taxi alone it was that day. He didn’t even offer to drive me home using her car, he was just going to leave, and he was more worried about where his pc was! I controlled myself, I didn’t cry even though I felt like breaking down in that same spot, called my brother and asked him to pick me up. To my good luck he was still awake and he was not yet at his party, so he answered and agreed to pick me up.
Next day was Sunday, it is the only day we see each other most of the time because it is his free day. Even though we could see each other during the evenings, we usually don’t because he never offers me it unless I actually call and ask him if he wants to do something. I felt so stupid, but even if I was completely frustrated with how the day before went, when I woke up I was expecting him to call so we could meet up and I could tell him how I felt about the day before. As the hours passed by, the frustration and sadness I felt at first became more and more an anger that was filling me up more and more, until I got to the point it stopped and now I am completely and utterly sad. He never called, he never texted.
I thin this is it, it is over. I just don’t want to keep trying for this relationship to work. I don’t see a real reason to even want it to work. He would need to do a complete change to give me what I need now, and neither I see it happening nor I think it would work anymore. I feel it is time to close this book and start something new. The worst part of all this, is that when I said to myself “time to say The End” I didn’t feel lost, or as if I was going to lose it, I actually felt I could breath again. I am going to be sad, I am going to miss every good part of the relationship that was there and that I loved so much, the parts that had me hooked up and wanting me to keep trying, but I am going to be much more stable without all this constant instability going on in my love life for not knowing what to expect. I am going to be fine, but for now I just wanna cry myself to sleep and forget about the heartache for a while.