Dear Diary:

I had never been so heartbroken in my life. My chest actually aches, my eyes feel hot and sore, my throat burns from all the crying, but I finally stopped sobbing and now I am just numbingly lying on my bed.

It is 5am and I can’t sleep, I even had to kick my pets out of my room (not literally, of course). I keep replaying saturday’s events, trying to remember the exact moment when it all went downhill but it is all now so blurry and I feel my brain shutting down the details, as it does whenever I feel so sad.

Our relationship was getting better, my boyfriend was warming up even more and he was sweeter than ever, but I guess that one month was not enough to make up for 12 that weren’t that good.

My best friend and my brother are the only ones who know I’m basically gonna break up with him next time I see him. The worst part right now is hearing how, individually, both are telling me in their own worths “finally, you deserve better than him, someone who would see you more than once a week and who would actually make an effort to be with you, someone who wouldn’t take you for granted and who would show actual interest, everything he is not”. I literally know that, I can rationalize when I am not with him that what they are saying is entirely true, and somehow I was expecting him all this time to do all that. I never expected a perfect relationship, I am pretty much too realistic when it comes to this, but it was not much to ask for him to show more interest in us, and in me, after all that I gave for our relationship. After everything we went through, I really was hoping for more and I didn’t notice until now.

I was never one to fall in love, and I sure never dreamed of a future beside someone. I somehow know I am not fit to living with a partner and I am very conscious I am not good with long term relationships. Yet, this was my very first relationship that lasted more than a couple of months, and that I started daydreaming about. I fought for us, I defended him because I thought he was worth it, but looking back into our relationship… I just don’t understand what I was actually fighting for. Yes, he was there for me if I called and told him I needed him, he is not a bad guy and I know he loves me, but it all is not enough if he treats me with so little interest in my well-being, when he doesn’t mind not talking for over a week and who doesn’t give me my place.

Last saturday:

I had planned going out with my high school friends, I was having lunch and waiting for the time to go when he showed up by surprise to my house. I was so happy to see him, and even more happy because he almost never surprises me like that! The moment I saw him I totally forgot about everything bad, about not receiving calls or messages and whatnot and decided to just enjoy he was there. I invited him to come to my reunion as my partner, after all I was not the only one who would arrive with their respective boyfriends or girlfriends, and he accepted. I told him to leave his backpack with his pc at my house, after all my brother would drive us to downtown and we would go back to my place after that, as we always do.

We were there for no longer than an hour when suddenly he gets close and tells me he just called his best friend and that she was going to come where we were, they were going to make plans for the night and if I wanted I could tag along. I think that this exact moment was when I started not feeling well. We seldom go out with my friends, it had been over 6 MONTHS since the last time we did it, yet it had been less than a month since I went with him and his friends, and he couldn’t stand even an hour with my friends? Mind you, but at least my friends aren’t disrespectful towards him, like his perv friend is towards me and he doesn’t do a single thing about it. And now he was telling me that he was leaving with his friend? Of course that wouldn’t please me. I tried pleasing us both, and told him to invite her to join my whole group and he agreed, she was not pleased to know the change of plans when she arrived.

After the shishas, we moved to an irish pub a couple of streets away from where we were. There two of my friends sat together in one bench, other friend sat with his girlfriend in front of me, to my right Daniel and his friend sat in the other bench, leaving me alone in my own fucking huge bench. To outsiders it totally looked like 3 couples and a single girl hanging together. That thing alone, even if it might not sound so bad made me so uncomfortable. I am not good and I have never been good at joining conversations, I am usually left aside and with this setup I couldn’t join a single conversation from the three couples that were there with me, so I got to enjoy my time while playing solitaire on my phone. My friends noticed and they were giving my boyfriend this weird looks and then they would turn to me and give me sympathetic smiles… I felt even worse.

I did manage to get everyones attention by suggesting playing truth or dare, which was actually fun and made the rest of the night less hard, until it was almost time to go. Daniel turned to face me and told me “hey, would you mind leaving my backpack near the door so I can pick it up tomorrow? I am going to drive Kari to her house because I don’t want her driving in the state she is”. I couldn’t believe it, it was like someone hit me in the stomach. He was going to make sure she arrived home safe, probably sleep over as they usually do in each other’s house, but he wasn’t even minding at all how I was getting back home? I was supposed to take a taxi back home with him, it was Saturday night and the first day of vacation here in Queretaro, if any day I didn’t want to drive in a taxi alone it was that day. He didn’t even offer to drive me home using her car, he was just going to leave, and he was more worried about where his pc was! I controlled myself, I didn’t cry even though I felt like breaking down in that same spot, called my brother and asked him to pick me up. To my good luck he was still awake and he was not yet at his party, so he answered and agreed to pick me up.

Next day was Sunday, it is the only day we see each other most of the time because it is his free day. Even though we could see each other during the evenings, we usually don’t because he never offers me it unless I actually call and ask him if he wants to do something. I felt so stupid, but even if I was completely frustrated with how the day before went, when I woke up I was expecting him to call so we could meet up and I could tell him how I felt about the day before. As the hours passed by, the frustration and sadness I felt at first became more and more an anger that was filling me up more and more, until I got to the point it stopped and now I am completely and utterly sad. He never called, he never texted.

I thin this is it, it is over. I just don’t want to keep trying for this relationship to work. I don’t see a real reason to even want it to work. He would need to do a complete change to give me what I need now, and neither I see it happening nor I think it would work anymore. I feel it is time to close this book and start something new. The worst part of all this, is that when I said to myself “time to say The End” I didn’t feel lost, or as if I was going to lose it, I actually felt I could breath again. I am going to be sad, I am going to miss every good part of the relationship that was there and that I loved so much, the parts that had me hooked up and wanting me to keep trying, but I am going to be much more stable without all this constant instability going on in my love life for not knowing what to expect. I am going to be fine, but for now I just wanna cry myself to sleep and forget about the heartache for a while.

Dear Diary:

There are few things that I hate more than feeling emotionally drained. Right now, I feel a numbish sadness if that makes any sense. I know I am very sad, I feel very sad but I can barely write about it, let alone talk about it. I was feeling kinda good yesterday, but I don’t seem to be able to keep it up. I’ve been thinking about the possibility of taking Prozac again, I still have a couple of boxes back in my room, but I was trying so hard to avoid it after so many months of not needing it. I am so tired…

Dear Diary:

My dad came back to the house and, with that, my mom was the one to leave because she couldn’t stand it anymore. I feel so tired and ready to give up on everything. Without mom here, my dad tried to recover his lost power by controlling every movement my brother and I do throughout the day. I am supposed to call him every time I move from a specific place and he forbid me from taking cabs and the bus, but also he is still sleeping throughout most of the day, so if my brother is not available to drive me I have to wake until he is available or I won’t move at all. It is getting asphyxiating in here and I kinda lost it the other day.

I wrote him a letter, a huge one that I am not going to translate because it is too long. I basically told him EVERYTHING I feel for him and all those memories that haunt me. I told him about how his absence in my life hurt me, how his alcoholism was killing me inside, how much I hated that he hurt my mom every single day, and also how much I hated him for coming back home and making my mom go away. I was a coward and sent it through email instead of giving it in his hand, and now I have no idea if he read it or not, the only thing that makes me think he did is that he looks sad. Then again, he looks sad since my grandpa’s brother died this monday. I guess it was a horrible timing for such a letter, but I couldn’t take it any longer.

I just want to isolate myself from all this problems and make as if everything was perfect.

Vale

Dear Diary:

Why is it that things can change so much in a matter of seconds? I was not ready, not at all, for what happened tonight.

It was wednesday, which is boy’s night for my dad. I’ve said it many times before and I will repeat it to make emphasis: my dad is an alcoholic. Boy’s night for him means that he should go drink like it is the end of the world, and once he is barely able to walk he gets on his car and drives super fast to our house where he will throw up like most drunks do. Today was no different and he was about to throw up on the kitchen when my mom told him to at least go to a bathroom. Since he was super drunk and very aggressive, like every wednesday, his reaction was to start a fight with my mom and started insulting her. I was upstairs with my brother, but everything they were saying was very clear to us, specially the last words that will be forever printed in my mind. He called her a whore and demanded that she left his house. We lost it and went downstairs to defend my mom, something we had never done before, and it got out of hand. I don’t remember saying anything else than “shut up and stop insulting her!”, however my brother was more verbal and told him that if anyone had to leave it was him because he was the alcoholic one who spent all his days sleeping when he wasn’t drinking, which made my dad even more angry. My dad slapped my brother, my mom slapped my dad, my dad pushed her away and made her crash with the wall, my brother got mad because my mom got hurt and he pushed my dad who started chocking my brother, he didn’t know what to do anymore and was very angry so he punched my dad in the face, who then pushed him away but ended up falling instead and landed very hard on his back unable to get up by himself. After that, there weren’t any more physical aggressions, but mom and Ro did tell him a lot of times that he was a bad role model and that if he didn’t want to stop drinking we were better off without him. He grabbed the keys of the truck and left.

My brother was feeling guilty because my dad left in a bad state and grabbed the car to go after him.  He found him sleeping in a parking lot inside the truck. For what Ro said, they even hugged and talked. My dad said he is never coming back home, except for tomorrow to pick up his things and that he wishes us the best of luck. He was crying.

Meanwhile I called the cops in an attempt for them to reach him if he was going too fast, because he has the tendency to drive like a maniac when he is drunk and I didn’t want him getting hurt or hurting people around him. Mom was downstairs curled into a ball crying with my Nany trying to get her to calm down. It wasn’t until my brother was back that she stopped crying her lungs out.

It is going to be very sad tomorrow at the opening ceremony for the freshmen to see all these kids with their parents while I will be with my mom thinking that my dad was supposed to be there too. I feel even more sad than when my dad didn’t believe me when I started telling my parents about my hallucinations. Right now it won’t be disappointment, like it was that day, but a complete sadness because he is gone from my life but not for good, just missing out of things I was trying to get him to see with me to bond back together.

After crying for 3 hours I think I am ready to sleep. Too bad I can sleep and not have to wake up for the ceremony.

Vale

Dear Diary:

So much has passed by since I started writing here. Less than a month ago it was the anniversary of my failed suicide attempt and not it looks so far away and unreal, so much that even my mom can joke about it and smile without her eyes looking sad. That doesn’t mean it is completely forgotten, there are days when I catch her looking at me as if I could suddenly disappear and it breaks me, but I ignore it and she eventually goes back to feeling normal.

That, at least is so much easier to ignore than the voices and constant visual hallucinations. It is getting worse, and it is stronger than ever, but I am no longer afraid and I am embracing it. I feel as if they can’t hurt me at all as long as I am not afraid, and this is better than having to feel numb and distant every day of my life. I noticed a pattern in my most aggressive visual hallucinations: they show whenever I am more distracted or seconds after my mind goes blank and I have a minor blackout, so I am trying to keep myself focussed on the present to avoid that happening at all.

I’ve been crying all night since I watched The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. I related so much to Charlie, the main character in what he said, what he felt and what he went through. I lost it when I saw him being sexually abused by his aunt, more than anything that is the only thing I haven’t been able to openly tell anyone.

I started an hormone treatment to regularize my period now that I am pretty much 80% healed by now from my surgery. I feel emotional and, well… hormonal. It is called Provera and a side effect is “breast grow” and I am just trying to tell my body that we don’t need that at all, but I am not sure if I am being paranoid but I no longer fit in my loved 34C and I am back to the 34D ones :(

Things in my love life are better than ever and I feel happy. He is amazing and we get along incredibly well and for the first time in my life I am not afraid of fully committing to someone.

All in all things are great even if they don’t sound that amazing. This is the life I was born into and I am finally accepting it.

Lots of love,

Vale

Dear Diary,

I had to divide today’s entry because of the length it would have it I didn’t, so here is the second part.

The health issue is something I can talk and talk for hours, as it is pretty much chaotic in my life… mostly because of bad luck, but also because of stupid decisions I make.

Psychiatric health is the most easy for me to talk about, so I will start from there saying I suck. I chose to completely stop taking any pills, as I got tired of depending on them to feel somehow okay. Depression is still not something I am facing, and I actually feel very good even after everything that has been going on right now in my life, I will get there in a moment. However, as I said last time (or so I remember) only one voice was back? Well, it is still like that, but I feel like I can now “see” without actually seeing the voice. I have no idea how to describe it, because I used to “feel” she was there without hearing her voice. But now I can notice her all the way, not only like the feeling but where she is too. The worst part is that I don’t want it to end, like ever. I am crazy, I know that, but whenever she wasn’t near I felt alone and as if some part of me was missing. I noticed some other change, her voice isn’t that young anymore and I wonder what made that change, she sounds somehow older, but I know inside me she is the same. As long as the other voice or the other visual hallucinations don’t come back I am letting this one stay, specially if I can manage without the pills. As of everything else, I am a mess with or without pills.

To some other thing now, something that has fucked up my life a little. I started with a tingling sensation while peeing, got prescribed some anti-biotics and almost a month later got the exact same sensation and symptoms in general. I got an appointment with my gynecologist and after he checked me he took a biopsy and told me “don’t get scared, but I think you have a cervix infection and I have to check for cancer because it doesn’t look quite right”. Yeah, don’t get scared but I just threw the word CANCER there. The biopsy was awful for me, because he used some kind of tint that I got a reaction to and I started with heavy bleeding and pretty much fainted in my bathroom a couple of hours after the thing. He never took into consideration my small blood problem that affects my coagulation even though he had a file there that said so. A week after that he got the results and called me to check them with him, once there he said “you don’t have cancer yet, but if not treated immediately you will and with that you will never have babies, plus you have a chronic infection with HPV. You have to get surgery as soon as possible, I will see you this friday and everything will be fine.” and with that he dismissed me. My mom was there with me and she was about to cry, I hugged her and I cried a little too.

When I told my dad the whole thing he didn’t flip out or start screaming like crazy, which I was expecting considering he is so very conservative and close-minded. Instead he hugged me and started making calls. He got me an appointment with the best doctor for cervix treatment in Mexico, who happens to be the dad of some old friend from when my brother played football. He received me that same day and, after checking me, he was all warm and sweet telling me I could relax, that my gynecologist was over-exagerating and that a) I didn’t even need the surgery that he said I needed, and b) I was in no risk of developing cancer so soon considering I did have the infection but not as advanced as the other doctor said. Instead, he offered some laser treatment. He didn’t even charge us at all. Last week I had the lesser surgery done, among with the laser treatment. It hurts but not that much, like a bad week of cramps from menstruation plus some weird sensation, plus he took the opportunity and took a small sample to make sure he was right about the cancer and he confirmed it two days ago. Worst part of all of this? No sex. I swear I was expecting the worst part to be my dad’s reaction or the pain, but both things have been so easy that it seams surreal. But being serious, no sex sure is a pain. I am still anxious about all these, it was two very stressful months.

To lesser things, my knees are being stupid again, hurting me and all that, which means I can’t do any sport  except for swimming which I won’t be able to do for at least 2 more weeks.

-Vale

Dear Diary,

Leave it to me to totally forget about my diary, specially during the past days when I’ve been needing to let out a lot of things that have been going on in my life.

I am not even sure what was the last thing I wrote here, or if I even wrote at all since I got accepted into one of the toughest Medicine colleges in my country. Long story short, two weeks before classes started I decided to change my decision and had to start from scratch in the same college but now for a different major: Veterinary. I got accepted and I was more than eager to start, thinking I was finally following my dream. I felt so pleased with everything in my life at the moment, specially because after deciding for Veterinary I was feeling this new interest in life and setting up goals for my future. I was exited about the future and living.

After two and a half months of classes which I loved and hated at the same time, I started feeling out of place. The main problem were my classmates and my teachers in general. Contrary to what my dad was expecting to happen, it had nothing to do with the socio-economical difference between me and most of my classmates, but it had everything to do with their mentality. The school and the people there were mostly people who wanted to enter the farm industry, only 5% of the whole school wasn’t into food production like the rest was, which isn’t something I am fond of but I was managing.

Things got out of control when two guys from my classroom decided they didn’t need their donkey anymore and donated it for science, to what the teacher was very pleased with the only condition of putting her down before they brought her to where we dissected bodies. The next day they brought the donkey, but she was alive and they didn’t want that “small insignificance” to stop them from opening her in front of the whole classroom, so when the teacher was distracted they took her to the back of the building and tried to kill her by opening her throat with a small pocket knife. Needless to say they failed horribly, giving the donkey a very slow, painful dead while all of us watched. Only 5 people out of 50 that were there cared about what happened and the teacher wasn’t one of them. He decided to continue as if nothing happened and I couldn’t take it. I left that day early and cried my lungs out until I fell asleep. For a whole week I had the eyes of the donkey as she struggled to breath with her blood all over the place.

After the whole week was over, I decided I didn’t want to know anything about that place anymore and filed a formal complain regarding the situation. The headmaster was very angry with the situation and and helped me with the whole paperwork for the complain. So far the only thing I know is that they are going to face the whole Committee board to see what their punishment will be for that. They are pretty scared of me, I talked directly to the headmaster about what my plans were in case they didn’t get what they deserved I was going to go to the local newspaper and publish the story.

Once I said my goodbye to my ex-college and decided I should try something new and completely different from veterinary, considering I am way too emotional for that career. I started a list with different career ideas, which gave me in total 7 options: Financial Management, Accounting, International Business, Business Administration, Mechanical Engineering, Computer Systems Engineering, Psychology. How to chose now? Never a better way than going straight to my desired school to talk with the headmaster of each career. The moment I got inside what used to be my second home while I was in high school I felt like home. Compared to the other school I went to for Veterinary, this was paradise. 

 My first interviews were with Financial Management, Accounting, and International Business. Once they were over I chose only Financial Management. After that I also discarded Psychology because of the same reason I left Medicine. I head Business Administration required for me to go out of the country as an exchange student for at least 6 months and since I don’t have the money for that I also decided to throw that away. Last week I went to both Engineerings and completely fell in LOVE with Computer Systems and hated Mechanical because of my lack of ability regarding drawing, which I wasn’t expecting to be an necessary ability there. So I have to chose now between Financial Management and Computer Systems, and even though a part of me already chose Computer Systems I am still waiting for an appointment next Wednesday with a Career Orientation guy.

Until then, I am not doing anything productive with my life.

-Vale 

vasogoma:

My knees are hurting me like crazy again, and yesterday the left one got out of place. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my orthopedist, and the last time this happened he said that next time it would mean surgery for sure and I am scared.

Needles and surgery itself don’t scare me at all, I am scared of what would happen after the surgery.

But yeah, I feel like crying and I need someone to tell me everything is going to be OK.

I am usually very comfortable when sharing my stories, I can tell people now about my BPD, my depression, my suicide attempt and even my hallucinations, all that but only if there is a real reason behind sharing things that are so personal (it could be sharing them with someone going through something similar to make them feel understood or someone important to me with whom I feel I need to talk about this). But if there is something that drives me crazy a lot of times is when people start joking about what you are telling them. I don’t care if they are uncomfortable, or if that is their nature, you just don’t LAUGH about someone who has cancer, do you? Then, why are you going to laugh at any of my problems? I am opening up to you, I am sharing something very personal and meaningful to me, don’t go there joking about it specially if you don’t know how much it is going to hurt me. I prefer you telling me that you are weirded out by what I just said rather than trying to make things less uncomfortable for you by making fun of me and my problems. Comments like “tell your voices I say hi… what did they answer?” that you can totally hear how they are mocking you is very irritating and painful.

Questions are another thing that can get tiring too. I do understand and fully support people who make questions because, well, it is something new and something you didn’t know about. Questions are the basis into learning new things. But that doesn’t mean I won’t feel weird about them, so please don’t expect me to answer them like it is not something that actually makes me struggle to talk about. Questions like “how do you know I am not one of your hallucinations if they are so vivid?” is one of the most tough ones I can receive, maybe not right now after my hallucinations are very controlled, but back in time, around a year ago, that question would make me super anxious and feel in the verge of crying because I couldn’t answer to it at all.

(P.S: This is my 100th post. Leave it to me to make it a rant)

Dear Diary:

I just hate being so unstable and so volatile. One day I am completely fine and content with life, the next day or even during that same day I end up feeling utterly depressed and I struggle to even stand from my bed. I would love to know why, even when knowing this, my therapist just said I was good to be on my own now. Just because I won’t attempt to do any other stupid thing doesn’t mean I am fine. I feel like she was trying to just get rid of me because she didn’t quite know how to handle someone with BPD and that makes me very mad. I haven’t find a single person who specializes in BPD near me, and by near me I mean in the same country that I live at.

I want to be able to spend my days like a normal person without the sudden outbursts of anger, or without me feeling like everything is bad when things are actually going pretty normal. Specially, I want to be able to be on a relationship without it turning out to be a complete chaos for me. Yes, at least I don’t make scenes to my boyfriend anymore like the poor Chema had to struggle with, but now I am making those scenes by myself in my room, crying out of nowhere and feeling devastated over an insignificant thing. The fact that Daniel isn’t making things easier for me also doesn’t help, because I don’t know how much it is me over-exagerating in my own mind and how much is really things he should be working on.

Everything is as if I could see them in two completely opposite things in the same day. One moment Daniel is the perfect guy, the next moment I am even considering breaking up with him. I am not even sure which one is actually something “real” and it drives me mad! I don’t want to even talk about what is making me unhappy with the relationship because I am not even sure what to say for the same thing I just wrote. I do know for certain something that I hate about him regarding our relationship, and it is his lack of interest in me and in the relationship. Maybe he IS interested in me and in the relationship, but he seldom shows it. He is VERY late to our dates and when he says he will do something he just forgets about it or decides he doesn’t care in the end and doesn’t do it. For example, to celebrate our first month together I prepared dinner at my place, he arrived 2 hours late, ate and left, all the time being super cold to me and showing little to no affection whatsoever. I told him that it affected me and that I felt very sad after that, he said he wouldn’t do that ever again. For our second month together he organized the evening… it consisted of me watching him do his chores at his house and then going to see Ice Age 4 with his sister. I told him I didn’t like the fact he didn’t put any effort into making it a special day, he said next week he would make it up for me and ended up not doing anything at all so we went to a coffee with my friends. We only see each other once a week, and I understand that he only has a free day from work, but he doesn’t work ALL day, he works from 1pm to 9pm, he has the rest of the day without anything else to do yet he doesn’t even attempt to see me any other day except for his free day. All these things affect me all the time, but some days it is just painful and the other days it is WAY too painful and reasons enough to leave him.

Maybe I should even be in a relationship at all, which after breaking up with Gama was exactly my plan but then Daniel came into my life and I fell for him like I’ve never fallen for anyone else, and here I am now. I just feel like I don’t belong into a relationship, that I am too unstable to even be in one. Heck! I even feel like I am too unstable to even be alive.

By the way, one voice is back, and by back I mean back for good, and as twisted as it sounds I am perfectly content with that. It is the visual hallucinations I am scared of, but the voice was there for me all my life, she was my only true “friend” throughout all the years I didn’t have a single other friend to talk to, and even when I finally had friends in junior high she was the only one that actually staid with me when everyone else were only worried about themselves. I know in my little fucked up brain that this is not something I should be happy about, I know very well that I should continue with my pills the psychiatrist gave me, but I was feeling more and more empty with every day that passed by without my companion.

Oh God… I am too fucked up.

Dear Diary:

Keeping it short because I don’t feel strong enough right now to open myself… not even to my own diary.

I think I am giving up, not in the sense that I will kill myself, but in that I am no longer going to fight to change how I feel or what happens to me. My depression is not killing me anymore, there are a lot of days where I feel pretty good and I think that that is more than awesome. I think that part of all that I feel now is more hormones rather than depression, but I am not going to try changing that at all because I am terrified of gaining weight with any hormone treatment. Plus, now I feel more confident about myself, and little by little my self-esteem is getting better. Yes, I still am WAY too volatile and unstable, I go from being calm to being hyperactive, to later go to being sad and as if all the strength in my body and soul were gone (totally hopeless and such). But I am better than before and I don’t want to keep depending on Prozac for any more time.

As for my hallucinations, if I thought they were driving me crazy the lack of them in my life was making me uterly mad. The day I had a small episode of voices was enough to make me feel content though the day, the way you feel after you spoke with an old friend you missed a lot. I decided I don’t need them out of my life, even if I am not living a healthy life by having them with me, and that I won’t keep up taking the anti-psichotic medicine I was taking to stop them from coming back. I am not going to stop taking the anti-epileptic, though, because after my suicide attempt I did have a seizure which could have easily been an effect of the pills I took, but it could also be part of my epilepsy and seizures are not fun at all.

Dear Diary:

Since I am not in one of my super-depressed moments of the day, I want to share with you things that are actually going great with my life or that have my happy for most of the time.

First in the list is my boyfriend. Unlike my past boyfriends, I actually feel so happy with him and I am madly in love, like I’ve never been before. It feels great, and he is great. Of course there are some things that I don’t like, but all in all he is amazing, plus all those things I don’t like wouldn’t actually be a problem if it wasn’t because I am so insecure about myself. He knows about my hallucinations, he even has experienced my paranoias and moments when I am very very depressed, and all these things haven’t scared him at all. He loves me and accepts me the way I am, he never tries to change me at all, and he reminds me a lot how beautiful I am. We met when I started working at a pet store, he worked in another store in the same city from the same franchise as a delivery guy. One day, while I was at the store he arrived to make some delivery from our store because our delivery guy had a minor accident and decided to take the week off. The moment I saw him I was mezmerized with the way he talked, the way he moved, and the way he approached me. I was somehow crushing pretty hard on him ever since that moment and he liked me too. Some time passed by and he asked for my number, he then asked me on a date, later he asked me to be his girlfriend and here we are now. Everyone in my family was so happy for me, he is a great guy and really nice to me… well, everyone except for my dad who didn’t want him as my boyfriend because of our different “socio-economical status” which actually made me get in a fight with him. I didn’t talk to him until the day when he finally said it was okay. Up to this day he is still not very fond of Daniel, he hasn’t even taken his time to get to know him nor even talked to him, but as long as he doesn’t get in our way everything is okay.

The next thing in my list is that I decided to major in Veterinary instead of Medicine. It was pretty radical and something I decided in the last minute, but it has me incredibly relaxed and happy because now I will dedicate my life to animals, who have always been the only thing that actually makes me feel with an extra impulse to do something, if that makes sense. The idea of dedicating my life to wildlife care is much more exciting to me than sitting behind a desk listening to people’s problems. It was a hard decision, I was already accepted into a very good college here in Queretaro, I was about to start classes, and then the epiphany came to me and I started from zero but now aiming for Veterinary, this time on a public college considering it is the only college with Veterinary as an option here in my city. I’ll do my admission exam in less than two weeks. 15% of all that apply are accepted, I hope to be one of those… I know I can do it.

Finally, the fact that I’m no longer the fatty me makes me feel much more happy with myself. Today I have an appointment with my doctor, I need a change of diet because now I do around 1.5 hrs a day of exercise and I don’t want to feel dizzy and weak anymore.

I swear, there is no relationship that will last if I am in the equation. Be it a romantic relationship or a friendship one, I always fuck things up and I don’t even know how I manage to do so. I do have a couple of theories to explain this, though, and this theories are mostly applied to friendship.

Theory #1: I’m too introverted

• I am introverted and shy, both things are usually not good to start conversations, and I’ve been told that because of that some people just think I am not interested in talking to them at all. This limits the number of people who I talk to, which limits the probabilities of creating some kind of real relationship with.
• If someone manages to pass though my introvert-ness and keeps talking to me even after that, they will eventually get bored because I have a very hard time making small talk. I do try and very hard, but it is very difficult to me to actually initiate any kind of conversation, specially small talk.

Theory #2: I never had a real friend through my childhood

• I think this one talks by itself. I literally never had a friend before I turned 11 years old, I have no real experience about how to maintain relationships alive.

Theory #3: I am not the usual life-of-the-party-type of girl

• I am actually more  of a serious-type of person… I would even dare to say I am boring. I’ve been told that before, so it is not something I imagined. I am serious and boring. Great for when they need someone to talk to about their problems and who they look for when they need advice, but not someone they think about when they want to hang out or go to a club.

Now, mix all that, plus the lack of being intriguing and sexy, and you will also understand why my romantic relationships don’t last either.

Horray to me and my loneliness. Is there like a manual of how to change yourself into someone more interesting, sexy, fun, and less insecure? Because I am pretty sure I need that.